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I was talking to my pop over the weekend about life and regret. I got to thinking...in all my 22 years, I have only one regret.
Of all the failed relationships, lost friendships, countless embarassing and disasterous mistakes, harsh words, and wrong decisions--I only regret one thing.
I regret not trying harder at Berkeley. I'm not just talking about trying harder to get good grades, but trying harder to make friends, connections, trying harder to develop myself, trying harder to make the most of the opportunities that were available to me. No, instead I sheltered myself--I aimed low to avoid disappointment. I only tried a little bit, just enough to keep somewhat decent grades, graduate, make a couple friends that might keep in touch with me for at least a few years, and maybe learn some dance moves.
But that's it. Granted, I only had two years here, but why didn't i feel the pressure to squeeze all that I could into that little window of time?
It was just so hard---so many people. It was too easy to fade into the crowds, to feel anonymous, intimidated, insecure. I think if I went to private school I'd be in a entirely different place right now.
But anyway, it's all in the past. Moving on now...just had to get it out.
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| I quit my job.
I wonder how this single act will change the course of my life.
***
Earlier this year, I read this book called The Alchemist. I forgot who wrote it, Paolo Coeho or something like that. Anyway, the first few pages turned me off because it seemed a little religious, but then as I kept reading I realized it was the harmless kind of religiousness, not the preachy kind. Anyway, basically the book "spoke" to me. (Seems like a lot of things are "speaking" to me nowadays-- like Stranger than Fiction, and my dog). The book talks about how in life, there are several paths each of us can take. Some paths are obvious to us--paths we desire, the paths we feel are safe, and paths we fear.
Which path do we choose? Do we even have a choice at all? Or does the world place us on a path?
The book tells us that if you are determined to find happiness in life, the world will conspire to help you achieve it. However, you must recognize the signs that the world provides you in order to help direct you towards the right path--the path that leads to true happiness.
I guess I'm easily persuaded, because I've almost fully absorbed the concept, though it's a tad idealistic. I can't help it...I just want to believe it because right now that's the only thing keeping me happy and sane.
It's a good book. Read it. It's short, so you have no excuse. Go. Now. Then call me so we can talk about it. 
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| .:You don't know how much you love something until it's gone...:.
Sigh. I really miss school. I miss choosing whether or not you want to go to class because no one really gives a damn if you show up. I miss being able to do random crap during the day, like take naps because I stayed up the night before goofing off. I miss being able to stay up and goof off, and not pay hell for it in the morning. I miss being able to express my opinion and concerns without it coming back and whipping me in the face. I miss my friends. I miss having time for friends, and even internet! I miss problem sets. I miss econ. I miss learning.
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Since I graduated on...wow, I don't even remember what day because I uh, didn't go to the ceremony. Let me look at the calendar. Ah yes, May 18 (the day of my last final). Anyways, since May 18, I...
-Flew to Pittsburgh to watch my brother graduate from his masters program. Woot, go him. Now he's going to spend another, oh 5 years, working towards a doctorate. Woot, go him again.
-Moved out of my apt in Berkeley and back into my parents' house. Oh god. Trying to move ALL my goddamn crap in two days AND clean the apartment. Sucked. Really really sucked. I kind of wished the building exploded while I was in Pittsburgh so that I wouldn't have anything to move or clean. Anyway, all my crap is still all over the place at casa de mama y papa, because uh, suddenly I have two of everything, and I bought too much new stuff when I originally moved to Berkeley. Sigh. I kind of want to move out just so I dont have to figure out where to put all my crap. Anyone looking for a roomie in Berkeley or SF?
-Went to Hawaii. It was fun. Got sunburned in weird spots. Now I have a really bad bikini tan.
-Since Hawaii, I've just been rotting away at home until my job starts. I hope it starts soon, kind of. Not looking forward to the commute. I calculated that I would spend a little less than 3 hours a day commuting to and from work. Sigh. SIGH. And BART smells.
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If you lived in an apt, by yourself, would you decorate your place with pictures of yourself? I mean, unless you were a model and someone took them and they were really artistic...would you?
P.S. CSI is addictive.
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